You must forgive me for not writing more, but I have been
mourning the loss of someone very dear to me. So close were we that once, when asked about
the relationship between us, I flippantly said we were Siamese twins, separated
at birth. Never once did I consider what it would mean to be separated by death.
At first I felt so deeply and intensely lost that for days
no other thoughts entered my mind. Two
days after his death, I dreamt I was standing inside his house and even though
I was aware that he was gone, I felt great peace even in the moments just after
awakening. Then once again I found
myself struggling with his death as though it were some kind of ancient dragon
I had to fight and defeat before I could begin to feel better again and, even as
I struggled with his death, I tried to deny it, unable to form a simple
sentence that would contain both his name and the word 'died' in it.
Then, when the memories started coming back I thought of all
of the places we had been to together.
For weeks I began to visit those places, driving around compulsively
until I realized I was looking, not for more memories, but for him.
Finally one day I heard a song on the radio about a guy who
wanted to be taken to a place where it's “Sunny and 75” and I
remembered all the hours I had spent with this man in a room where the blinds
were always halfway up and how, whenever I was with him, it was always sunny
and seventy-five for me. On another day while listening to the song “I’m Already There,” I felt his presence beside me. But oh, how I longed to return to normal even
as I forgot what normal was.
Then came the day when I misplaced my wallet and locked myself
outside my car and, as funny as it sounds, I knew that normal was
returning. And now when I long to return
to the place that was always sunny and seventy-five, I remember that he is
already here.
